What do y'all think of this ad copy?

Here's what I've come up with for the description of sixty second shooter Deluxe for the Playstation Store:

You only have sixty seconds to destroy as many targets as possible in this new-and-improved version of sixty second shooter, the only dual-stick shooter you can play in the time it takes to microwave a frozen burrito.

At Happion Laboratories, our scientists have worked tirelessly to bring you a dual-stick shooter that will stimulate production of the highest possible levels of adrenaline and dopamine in your central nervous system - for maximum euphoria and excitement. Warning, side-effects may include: dry eyes, dry mouth, increased heart rate, increased perspiration, and twitchy fingers.

Will you press your luck and fly to the deep levels where the truly treacherous enemies await? Will you shoot your enemies on sight or wait until you've racked up a higher multiplier? Will you use your missiles to build a large chain bonus - or to secure an area - or to save yourself at the last second? Will you detonate the bombs immediately or lure your foes to them first? Will you unlock the death blossom? Although the game is very short, its strategies are very deep.

“This game is a hidden gem. It's worth getting into.”

- Tomo Moriwaki, producer of Medal of Honor and creative director of Spider-Man 2

Created by Jamie Fristrom, the game developer behind the critically acclaimed and award-winning games Spider-Man 2 and Schizoid.

Well? What do you think? If you had a PSM device, would you buy it (I'm thinking ~$3 USD)? Why not?

Comments

[BrettWitty]

Just some things that caught my editing eye:

- While I like the frozen burrito line, I wonder if you want a different example to capture the idea of "sneak in a quick game of 60 second shooter". Like it's a quick guilty pleasure rather than something to do while you wait for your delicious burrito (because, following the logic through, once the burrito is done, no more 60-sec shooter because you're eating).

- Two instances of "dual-stick shooter" so close to each other is odd and potentially alienating. People who don't know what it is will be happy to overlook one instance, not two in quick succession.

- A third of the second paragraph is: "Here's a bunch of not-nice-sounding things" as part of the science gag angle. I'd reframe the entire paragraph to be more positive and punchy: "At Happion Laboratories, our scientists have discovered that 60 seconds is the ideal time period for a sustained adrenaline rush, and for training reflexes and quick-thinking. ". Putting the focus on "60 seconds" helps name retention and gets to the core of the gameplay (which you address in the third paragraph).

- I'd trim one or two examples from the third paragraph to make it punchier and avoid problems for newbies who have no context for what you're talking about. I'd omit the second question and make the first question an either-or like the rest of them. I'd trim the "death blossom" question unless you can beef it up to give context ("the awe-inspiring devastation of the death blossom").

- Typographically I'd try to put Moriwaki's quote next to his byline.

- I'd separate Moriwaki's quote from your byline with a little editing: Sixty Second Shooter is brought to you by Jamie Fristrom, head of Happion Laboratories and the critically acclaimed Spider-Man 2 and Schizoid. (What's the difference between being acclaimed by critics and being judged worthy for an award?)

[Jeremy Parker]

As an outsider, Tomo's recommendation of the game would seem less credible to me knowing that both of you worked on Spider-man 2. I'd look at it as a typical case of a game developer getting one of his buddies to give a game a good review rather than it holding any actual weight on its own.

Isn't there someone else in the industry who could review the game?

[Jamie Fristrom]

Hi Jeremy! That's a good point. I do have a few quotes from other industry people but none are as strong as Tomo's. Are you volunteering? I seem to have lost your e-mail...

[Jeremy Parker]

Ha - I don't know that I could help out either... for much the same reason.

[Anon]

Name dropping with or without permission makes me uncomfortable. I'm more distracted about why you did this and it's consequences than playing your game.

Off topic, but would it hurt to make the first letter in each word of the game's name uppercase?

[Happionlabs]

Too late now, and I doubt you're following the comments Anon, but I am curious why it makes you uncomfortable. It's a pretty standard marketing thing ... I could find tons of examples. (And it is with permission, of course!)

On the lowercase thing, that's a reaction to how most action games have these over-the-top bold outlined all-caps logos, as if by adding a bunch of exclamation points they can make something more exciting. I like the understated simplicity and minimalism of the lowercase logo. Did I need to carry that through into the text about the game? No, probably not...

[Anon]

My most likely prejudiced and possibly misguided opinion is the PSM platform has a broader range of contributors, therefore I don't expect to see the same kind of sales tactics as used by the bigger companies. I'm not saying anyone deserves a level playing field, but it would be nice, right?

It's not a big deal. The platform is not exclusive to nobodies. And copying from the best is common in many aspects of life (in this example, using the same sales tactics as bigger companies).

This is starting to get long... I just want to enjoy games. History doesn't change the game, it only changes people's perspective of the game, for better or for worse.